On growth mindset and letting failure be
Perfectionism and dissatisfaction
Last weekend I finished reading the Perfection Trap by Thomas Curran. This book was on my reading list to help me choose a thesis topic, and I thought it was a great nonfiction book. The book focuses on the topic of perfectionism, how it's one of the leading factors of the high levels of life dissatisfaction, and how it has been climbing its ranks in that regard, fast.
There is a chapter nearing the end of the book that resonated a lot with me. It was a chapter on the ever-famous growth mindset. The growth mindset is very popular in introductory psychology classes I've taken in my undergraduate studies. It's mostly seen in a positive light, and understandably so. Carol Dweck, the pioneer of the term, has been cited multitudes of times. I have also cited her in my papers.
I've always believed in the concept, and I think it's been instilled in many of us through our parents and education. Furthermore, I mean, it does make sense. Put in the effort, be open to learning, and be persistent/consistent with the work. And good things will come—slowly, perhaps, but surely.
Growth as pressure, not freedom
It is an understandable way to see things, especially as a way to pick yourself up after something doesn't go your way. However, the chapter reminded me of the not-so-good ramifications that could come with holding the concept/belief too close to your chest. It feeds into the cycle of perfectionism.
Growth followed by more growth followed by even more growth and overlaid with perfectionism – this is the essential psychology of growth-is-everything economics. But you and I aren’t a business model to be continually redrawn for maximum profit, nor are we a machine cog to be endlessly fine-tuned for maximum performance. We’re exhaustible human beings. We age and decay. Our resources to grow are not limitless.
Thomas essentially emphasizes this: When a failure does indeed happen, as it will continuously do in life, the people and social pressures remind us that we need to face it with bravery—tackle it and push through until we get back on our feet, pushing away the reminder that we're just human.
The lesson we learn from ‘fail better’ rhetoric like Obama’s is that we must always be hyper-vigilant of failure, concocting a way, whenever we encounter it, to rehabilitate it on the redemptive arc of growth so that no trace is left as a lingering reminder.
I'm very much guilty of this. When I fail, my immediate reaction is to figure out a way to resolve the issue. To bring me away from the feelings of pain that the failure had caused me, I anxiously went through a running list of 101 things I could do to just get this feeling out of me. To make me feel as though I'm able to get something right after all.
Acceptance over constant fixing
The book poses the question: Why do we have to grow and excel all the time? Why does failure require constant redemption or being redeemed? Why can we not accept it as it is? And most importantly, in my opinion, why is the growth mindset claiming to embrace failure when ultimately it is doing the opposite?
Thomas answers some of these questions. Failure is painful. It makes us uncomfortable. And what makes us uncomfortable, we want to alleviate however we can. Hence, we might use the growth mindset to mask this discomfort.
There's no clear answer in the book on how we can really overcome this. Or perfectionism as a whole. But it starts with acceptance. The acceptance to allow ourselves space to grow, to slow down, to regress, and to allow failure into our lives. Letting yourself sit in discomfort could help us think about what being human really means.
This book made me reflect: why do we feel the need to keep growing? Are we always chasing more, hoping it will solve our problems?
I've been thinking about this since I finished the book. I'm constantly trying to optimize my life, to grow, to be better—sometimes to points of fault, and in those attempts, alienating myself and loved ones. Likewise, I have a constant fear of 'falling off,' whether that's getting a lower pay or getting disappointing grades. It's beginning to feel like it's going in the opposite direction. I feel exhausted and don't feel the same growth that I thought I had. Did I even have any?
I don't have an answer to these questions, but I think it did me some good to remind myself that continuous improvement is not realistic. There's bound to be failures, and what matters is what I will do to learn from those failures and do a complete 180 from that experience. It's letting myself sit with it and really think of what I feel and need at that moment instead.
Thank you for reading! My apologies if this is just a ramble about how the growth mindset isn't healthy. I still think it serves a purpose—I don't think it's completely worthless to people as much as Thomas does. It can be helpful in times when there is no perceived choice in certain circumstances, and sometimes people do it to survive their harsh environments. I can see it being a good coping mechanism if it's not always applied in every situation.
I think the harm comes when it is the de facto way of thinking where your immediate reaction goes, How do I fix this? Instead of listening to your emotions and letting yourself sit with them.
I'll have to let this simmer…